my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
