why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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