I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Even my vagina gasped.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
