I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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