sarcasm needs its own font
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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