i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
