I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
