It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
