get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
