i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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