If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
