I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
