I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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