Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
