Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
