I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
