i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Holy shit dude........stairs
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