Will you blow on my dice?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize