Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
