Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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