I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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