A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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