I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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