I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
