What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
