i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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