i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
