someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
