I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
