this beer tastes like vomit already
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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