Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
