Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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