You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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