One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Who died my cat blue again?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
