threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
