I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
