sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize