TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
