omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
