I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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