i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
