i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
