I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
