did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
