Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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