Your tits are I can't wait for
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
my shit smells like andre
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
