because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
