508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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