if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
