You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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