i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
