ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
