I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
