Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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