I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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