I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
