Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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