He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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