The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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