I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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